A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I like life. It's something to do.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."