After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?