Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I like life. It's something to do.

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'