My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.