I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

Sometimes the unexpected does happen. Once, this exquisite woman fell for me. After we made love, she gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I said, "Honey, I don't get paid for sex." She said, "This is hush money."

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I like life. It's something to do.

As a teenager I just wanted to fit in, just to be one of the boys. It was tough. I went to an all black school. I went so far as to have them print my negative in the yearbook. I think it was the black teeth that gave me away.