I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

I like life. It's something to do.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.