You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

Laugh every day as much as you can.

Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.