I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.

I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.

I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.