A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.

politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.

Being nuts is its own reward.

My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.