My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.