My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.