My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.