My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.
There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.