It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.