I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.