Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.

I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.

I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.