I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.