I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

Nobody wanted the "Roseanne" show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.