I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.