I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

My real life is funnier than anything on TV.