One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.

You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'