Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.
My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.
Excuse the mess but we live here.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.