There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.