I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

I know that I pay 48 percent of my income to taxes. You know, I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't going just to export war. If it was actually going to help the people of the United States, I would gladly pay more.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.