I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Laugh every day as much as you can.

Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.