My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow.

I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny, finally and ultimately sated ... But enough about the pork.

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.