My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.