They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.