The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment Roseanne dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous!

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.