You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.