To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!