Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Those who can't do, teach. And, as Woody Allen says, those who can't teach, teach gym. And, as I say, those who can't teach gym become experts. That's who we look to for answers these days-the people telling you how to make your marriage work. Men telling women how to raise their self-esteem. The only thing that cures everything is talking to people who have the same problem you do. The rest is just a moneymaking bullshit scheme that some asshole is getting rich on.

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.