A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

My grandmother ... came here, not only like so many others because of the streets 'being paved with gold' and all, but because she wanted to leave the place where the streets were paved with people who had not gone to America.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.