In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.

If you spend all your time worrying about dying, living isn't going to be much fun.

US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.