In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.

I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?'

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.