In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

Legalize hemp and allow women to grow it and make food, clothing and housing for pennies from it and legalize marijuana too. Let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctors' pills that kill the liver.

Nobody wanted the "Roseanne" show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

Being nuts is its own reward.

I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze.