My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.

My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.