my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.

I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.

Those who can't do, teach. And, as Woody Allen says, those who can't teach, teach gym. And, as I say, those who can't teach gym become experts. That's who we look to for answers these days-the people telling you how to make your marriage work. Men telling women how to raise their self-esteem. The only thing that cures everything is talking to people who have the same problem you do. The rest is just a moneymaking bullshit scheme that some asshole is getting rich on.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.