I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.