Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things - like room service and temperature control.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.