Most parents are accustomed to dealing with problems in the heat of the moment.

Being completely in control is a fantasy.

Be your kid's collaborative partner, but also be a collaborative partner with the folks at school. Schools can be pretty unilateral too. Show them you know how to collaborate. Show them this is not about power. Let them know detentions and suspensions and paddling don't solve the problems that are affecting kids' lives. Those problems can be identified and solved but not by being punitive.

You're your kid's partner, not the person who's pulling all the strings.

You want to teach all kids the skills that are on the better side of human nature: empathy, appreciating how one's behavior is affecting other people, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another's perspective, honesty.

Parents are much more likely to be attuned to what they don't like than they are to the expectations that the kid is having difficulty meeting.

It's a whole lot more productive to be in problem-solving mode than it is to be in behavior modification mode.