Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.