She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!