Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!