With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?