The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.