The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.