The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.

Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!