Nobody's too fat - they're just too short.
The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.
Success is when your name is in everything but the telephone directory.
Half of all home accidents happen in the kitchen, and the family has to eat them.
Two things help to keep one's job. First, let the boss think he's having his own way. Second, let him have it.
"Tell me, doctor, " said the patient, "when I stand on my head, the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet now?" "That's because your feet aren't empty," said the doctor.