If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.