Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.