Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.