I'd rather entertain people than offend them.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!