Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pay your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

What happened? Satan was busy?

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.