Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.