I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.