I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

I'd rather entertain people than offend them.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!

If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.