Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.