So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.

Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.