So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pay your house payment. That's a tough crowd.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.