The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.