Scientology is weird because it's new.

I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.

I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there.

I think fake boobs have done great things for real boobs. I think people finally appreciate real boobs. People like real boobs. I do. I also enjoy the fact that they are life-nourishers.

I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.